On the More things Change, the More I stay the Same.

or,

How I learned to stop worrying and hit the penalty box all over again.

The last few months have been yet another time of conspicuous absence here at the ‘Wrangler, and for that, Lonely Reader, I can only offer the same sad and ultimately worthless apology. As I have said before, I’m a poor wordsmith in the best of times, and a lazy one the rest of the times, and times, while they are a-changin‘, seem never to change me.

Today, I walked away from losing my temper, the first time in a while that I have been able to do that. My job tests my temper every day, and I fail regularly in my efforts to keep it under control while I am there (though the clients never see it, just my coworkers). My office nickname is LBH.

Little Ball of Hate.

Now, I’m a hockey fan and a (very brief) former player, so while I enjoyed the Pat Verbeek reference, it bothered me that the Texans in my office, almost to the man, don’t get it. I’m not sure any of them have ever seen ice, and I was shocked someone knew that nickname. Meanwhile, frustrating customers make me slam my phone down, loudly. I often have to go out in the alley and kick the dumpster. Hard. And a LOT.

Tonight, during an event I “host” every week that I was going to skip this time around but was talked into doing last minute, a guy I like a lot snapped at me about ruining the fun for everyone. I get animated at the weekly BD Riley’s pub quiz sometimes, and apparently it makes it no fun for everyone else. Or, at least, it makes it no fun for this guy. Why did he come to something he finds distasteful, when the last minute invitation only garnered 4 folks? Not sure. But I know that in the past some people have found me abrasive. My sense of sarcastic humor is not shared by everyone, I get it. That’s why it’s called a SENSE, and not THE EMPIRICAL FACT of humor. But it’s not something some people, anyone really, ought to get angry over.

So, when he snapped at me, I nearly lost my temper. I realized in that moment that I have been losing it a lot lately, and that it has been making me very unhappy. Losing my temper is one of my two least favorite emotional states (jealousy being the other, I look terrible in green) and it makes me miserable in an oddly unique way. I need audible stimulation to clear it out of my head, most times. I need to break things, the hear smashes, to yell. I have lost and broken many things of value, a few of them friends, over the years to my temper.

Tonight, I was determined not to do so again. I choked down my response, quietly payed my tab, threw in the gift card that had the remains of previous Trivia Night’s winnings to cover the rest of other folks tabs just in case, and left. I was shivering on the way back to my truck, and I’m not sure if it was the cold or the adrenaline pumping through my scathingly angry frame.

And then, I got home, vented for 6 seconds to 2 dear great friends, got invited back out for a cold one with my best friend, and it all just melted away. The guy i was angry at is a good guy, and I have no idea his motivations right now for popping off at me, so I am gonna let that shit go. Life is too short. And my friends, my really good ones, are there, and accepting of me. Even when I lead the league in penalty minutes.

2 thoughts on “On the More things Change, the More I stay the Same.”

  1. jefe, your blog is very brave. i’ve often thought about blogging but have just not mustered the courage. i like your overall contemplative tone. i suppose it would be hard not to be though… loneliness was a really nice entry. singleness can certainly be painful and uncomfortable at times, especially for nuts like us who have yet to ever marry. do you get funny looks? I do sometimes but it’s

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