On The Golden Rules, or lack thereof

or,

How and Why my English teachers and professors are gonna kill me when they see the footnotes.

So, the last few posts were about physically getting here, and that’s happened and it’s wonderful. I’ve been adjusting to being a step-father, and trying to adjust to being a writer again, and I gotta tell ya, the former is INCREDIBLY easy AND exhausting at the same time, and the latter is supremely difficult lately. I need to stop listening to people who talk about how difficult it is to “make it” as a writer, I need to stop listening to myself saying I wasted too much time in this life to get this dream done, I need to stop listening to the never ending un-fucking-believably scary silence that is the blank piece of paper. I am stuck, and I need to get unstuck, so lets switch to a nice simple easy topic, shall we.

Today, brothers and sisters, let’s talk about God.

WAIT, wait, waitwaitwait! You, over there, don’t go running just yet. And you, in the front, put away your wallet. I just meant lets talk about the nature of God, discuss a little philosophy, if you please. There you go, little bunnies, that’s right, just settle in like you are getting ready for a nap. It’s all right. Everyone always falls asleep when I start blathering.

I have been thinking about this again lately, you see, and when I do, I once more feel obligated to beat anyone I can get to listen over their heads with the Fungo of Obviousness, as lots of people seem strangely blind and lost when it comes to this kind of thinking.

How did I arrive on this befuddling-but-should-be-obvious topic, you ask? It started this week with what has become one of my favorite Twitter followees, The Austin American Statesman. According to a poll or a study or something that I didn’t bother to read¹, more Austinites than ever regard themselves as “Spiritual but not Religious” and I want to smack their hippy fool selves with my FOO.² I’m ready to get my swing good and warmed up because I think most Austinites who describe themselves as such, do so because it is fashionably weird. Austin loves to be fashionably weird. Really, they made T-shirts. The fact that religion and spirituality go hand in hand is something even Austin’s most whacked-out whackadoodles do not need reminding of, I don’t believe, but the attempt to separate the two for no other reason than you can't be bothered to get out of bed early on Saturday or Sunday morning to go to whatever large social gathering your parents trained you as good little chilluns to attend does not mean you are no longer religious, kiddies. It means you are Lapsed. As a lapsed Catholic myself, this is something I know a little bit about. Catholics invented lapsing, in fact^2a. Now that’s not to say that a great many neo-hippies in Austin aren’t ACTUALLY spiritualists since, like I said, I didn’t really READ the survey, I just got tickled by the headline (This is after all, the age of instant news and the 140 character attention span.) But I imagine, knowing a good many of them, that most of them are much more lapsed than spiritual, and they need to be okay with it.

Other things that got me thinking about the Nature of the Divine Being³, you ask? A few, really. First, it’s gray as fuck here in SF^3c this week, so that helps. Also, I’ve been listening in the car to a television program^3f written by a hero of mine that quite often contains plot points intentionally manipulated to induce two of the main characters to argue on the nature of the New Testament and whether or not it might be, “a fairy tale.” Third, becoming a stepfather to two pre-teen girls after living a bachelor’s life for 35 years will also have you struggling to find strength in anything, faith included. And thankfully, that’s another way I have been reminded of this little conversation, from a lovely young lady, coincidentally named Grace.

Grace is beautiful, like her mother, precocious like her mother, and all of 12 years old. She asked me at dinner last night what my religion was, and though it had been a while since I had heard it, there was, in her voice, the timbre of the converter. Gracie, you see, has developed HER OWN RELIGION.^3lmnop She named it after the gerund form of one of her favorite verbs⁴, though that has little to do with the dogma or practice of said religion. It revolves around, as best I can tell, the understanding of three female deities, personified as Life, Death, and Fate, sisters three, who influence but do not overtly control the lives of all human beings. There are elements of everything from Christianity to Greek and Roman Mythology to Warrior Goddesses of every fantasy novel ever written in her religious tenets and teachings, and this both makes me love her and speaks to the point that I will eventually get around to making, if you’re lucky.⁵

The obviousness of religious belief, and you may all exhale sighs of relief that I have finally gotten to the point, is this. All religions, now pay attention, are the same religion. God, in whatever form He may choose to take, loves all of you, whether you believe in Her or not. It doesn’t care if you are White, Black, Cuban, Asian or Mutant X-Factor positive. The only things They really care about are hatred (also known as the failure by human beings to treat other human beings like human beings), the attempt by each one of us to learn and better themselves, hurting or killing each other in It’s name, and pronouns. God is Jehovah, Muhammed, Buddha, Christ, Allah, Brahma, Shiva, Vishnu, Trees, Mushrooms, and any other damn thing that will get any of you to listen, pay attention, and stop hurting each other just because you can. Whatever It may be, It has done everything possible to get you to understand It. To do so, It has created wise and not so wise men who in turn have organized great social structures and built glorious buildings in which we may each worship It as we see fit.^5z She has also been our Mother, and given us the resources we need to live, breathe, and wonder about the universe and each other. Lastly, It has given us just that, each other. Someone once said, “Hell is Other People”⁶ and while that may be true for some, I have learned that the opposite is also very true. Heaven is other people. Specifically, Heaven is the people in your life, be they great pieces or small, and if you don’t believe me, then you do not call your mother often enough, or are a sociopath of some type.⁷ When it comes to entertainment lately, the choice of me and mine has been a wonderful show entitled “This Emotional Life”,⁸ which quite wonderfully states that we need each other to survive and be happy, and while I agree with that, I kept finding myself thinking that there was more to it than just that. We don’t just need each other to be happy, we need to be happy for each other, and it strikes me as no accident. Some might consider it paradoxical thinking, but I think it’s blatantly obvious that this works this way on purpose.⁹ We need each other, we find happiness in each other, no matter our great differences. In fact, it is our differences that make us need and like each other and make us happy. Talking to oneself is a sign that one has gone the aforementioned whackadoodle, but talking to others is what we all need in our lives. Interaction is key, and we see it even in our worship of the higher power. We are PLURAL. So why do we insist on our religious beliefs being singular? Why can we not realize that God, in whatever form or name, is God in all forms and names? That He sent us whatever the hell it was we needed for us to figure out that She loves us, and that we should love each other?¹⁰ The similarities between the religions of this planet are all far too similar for this to be a coincidence. The Golden Rule exists in some form almost universally, from Bible to Torah to Koran to Oprah to whatever the name of L. Ron’s book is. Eventually, we all need to realize that God is right here, all around us, in the other people that we love and care about, in the people that other people love and care about that we've never met, and we need to shut up and try a little harder to stop honking at each other and hitting each other and killing each other and forgetting to leave the seat down. Because, if there is one thing I have learned, even more so than I ever knew it before I got here to SF to live with my family, Heaven is certainly other people.¹¹

_________________________________
Footnotes

1. Here lies the link to said article,. Read it for yourselves, like good little sheep.
2. FOO, or The Fungo of Obviousness. Sad, really, that I have to explain an acronym for something I was just talking about three sentences before. Obviousness, according to my experience, requires a Fungo to the skull. Or a footnote. I enjoy comedic footnotes, and though I fully understand the Chicago and AP Rules of Style, I just don’t give a shit.
2a. The Lapsed Catholic Church was unofficially founded in 1866 by Algernon B. McCullen, an Irish immigrant, prominent accordianist, and former Union Army soldier, when he realized that he hadn’t been to Mass in something like six years because a bunch of his friends and relatives, all living just seven miles south of the border that he lived seven miles north of, had been trying inexplicably during this period to shoot his ass off. Realizing that he was likely to burn in hell if he didn’t get around to eventually going to confession, but that this was in no way preventing him or his future relatives from one day spending several hours on Sundays watching NFL football, Algernon petitioned the Pope to be dubbed the Cardinal of the Lapsed Catholic Church of the United States. His request, submitted by mail to The Holy Father in Rome, was unfortunately never granted, as it was returned to a Lexington, Kentucky Post Office, on the grounds that it was, “heretical”, “spiritually and morally unsound”, and lacked, “Sufficient Postage.” Mostly the later.
3. “I’ve worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Shiva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things.” – the inimitable Annie Savoy.
3c. No one here is allowed to refer to SF as anything other than SF, or “The City.” Use of the term “San Fran” is socially frowned upon and may be prosecuted with a penalty of up to 60 hours community service and a $2500 fine. Use of the forbidden term “Frisco” is, I believe, punishable by death.
3f. It’s Aaron Sorkin’s Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, also known as Aaron Sorkin’s last bad idea on TV that premiered the same season as 30 Rock, was about basically the same thing, and was smarter, but less funny. That title ended up being too long, however, and really bad, at that. Also, yes, I listen to television programs on my iPhone while driving the car. I don’t WATCH them, but I listen. Sue me. And, stop signaling for seventeen blocks if you aren’t really turning right, lady, that’s just infuriating.
3lmnop. This use of capitalization was not only meant to imply importance, but should be accompanied by that angelic singing sound effect you always hear.
4. Words are fun. Grace knows this instinctually, just one of the millions of reasons I am in love with her, her mother, and her sister. Plus, aren’t you glad we finally got to footnote 4? Me too.
5. As I sit here, a song is playing in the café, by a band that helped me once have Faith in the Divine. I stood under a beautiful Texas night sky with my best friend and a girl I was in love with, and reveled in glorious music and happiness, thinking, “This, THIS is what all human beings are supposed to do with their lives, make each other feel LIKE THIS.” Sorry, that one wasn’t funny, or adorable like the last one.
5z. That is not to say that all the men involved subsequent to the creation of various religions were great, see also The Crusades, The Inquisition, The Salem Witch Trials, Billy Graham, L. Ron Hubbard, etcetera, ad nauseum.
6. Jean-Paul Sartre, as part of his masterwork Huis-clos, or “An Impression of Jeffrey Rider’s Mother,” in the English. It’s spot on.
7. The medical opinions expressed in this article are the sole opinion of the author of this blog, and in no way reflect the opinion of Blogger, Google, or any of their partners, divisions, holdings or subsidiaries. Also, call your mother sometime.
8. PBS, NOVA for BS, "This Emotional Life" 4 January 2010 (USA). Wow, that one was an actual footnote. Until I went, “Wow, …”
9. FOO SMACK!
10. A guy is sitting at home, and the television news reports that a flood is coming. He prays, knowing God loves him, and waits to be saved by the Lord. The waters rise up, and he goes out and climbs onto his fence , while a man in a rowboat comes by. The rowboat guy says, "Come with me and I’ll help you,” but the man prays, and waits to be saved by God. The waters rise further, and the man climbs onto the roof of his house. A helicopter comes by, and the pilot shouts to the man to grab a lowered rope, but the man refuses, and prays, still insisting that God will save him. The waters keep rising, and the man drowns. He gets to the gates of heaven, and asks St. Peter, “I prayed, and I am religious, why did God not save me?” Peter looks up the man’s name in the book, then replies, “We sent you a news report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat! What the HELL are you DOING HERE??!?!?!” St. Peter is a grumpy old fart, I bet.
11. Don’t forget to leave the seat down.

On the Great Adventure, Final Day

or,

Sipping red wine, Driving winding roads, and trying not to bit each others heads off.

Well, I made it folks, as many of you already know (don't tell the DMV, I haven't gotten a new driver's license yet) and it was quite an ordeal. SO far the most regularly asked question I have answered is, "How was the trip?", further evidence that no one is reading my drivel. However, it's helpful to me to write it all down, so here's The Final day.

The Final Day of the Great Adventure was, without question, the best day. Carla and I woke up at the hotel room on Sunday morning, beaming and happy. After long absences, the heart is not the only thing that grows fonder, I am her to tell ya. There is something physically wonderful about waking up in the morning next to the person you know you are supposed to be with. When they are away, you wake up wondering blearliy where they ARE every morning, a situation that is utterly unlivable after a while, as Carla and I have both proven and now rectified.

Our hotel, byt he way, was called "The Framer's Daughter." All I could think about where all those raunchy jokes I knew as a kid ... hehehe ... this was all together another great reason to have my long time separated girlfriend around, but I digress ...

We had ourselves a great breakfast at the little restaurant and hit the road. In the beginning I was loathe to get into the driver's seat again, after the previous day grueling difficulties, but I was so overjoyed to have someone to ride with and talk to that it didn't phase me too much. Carla and I headed north out of L.A. towards Santa Barbara, where we were meeting an old friend of hers for lunch.

It turns out it's a good thing we did. Santa Barbara, for the uninitiated, is kind of in the middle of nowhere. Granted, it's the middle of nowhere, CALIFORNIA, so it's pretty nice. It is, in fact, a quaintly beautiful little town where we had a lovely lunch and a nice walk with Carla's long lost amigo, who is pursuing a branch of religious study so fascinating and worldly that I could not begin to do it justice here. Suffice it to say it was great to have engaging intellectual conversation after so many days on the road.

After lunch, we decided to continue up the coast along the legendary Route 1, that long and winding road up and down the Pacific coast. We took turns driving, and stopped in Big Sur. We had a nice meal, a glass of red wine, and sat looking at the coastal sunset, in as beautiful (and typically) Northern Californian setting as you could possibly get. The grandeur of my new state was really beginning to set in, and it was lovely to be there with Carla.

We finished off the trip after dinner, and the last bit was a bit rough. We rolled into SF about 11pm, tired and ready for bed. Sadly, we had a car load of my CRAP to unload, and we set to it as quickly as possible. We were exhausted, and very near to snapping at each other at this point. In retrospect, I can only say that it was a testament to our feeling and commitment to each other that we got the car unloaded with out unloading on each other, as tempers were frayed to the edge. We got a good night's sleep, together in our home at last, and woke up the next morning with that seem beaming feeling of happiness to be together at last. The best part is, it's been almost two weeks since that day, and it hasn't gone away yet. Hopefully it never will.


(Wow, that last bit, the last sentence especially, almost had ME losing my lunch. Fell free to be disgusted by our happiness. We sometimes gross ourselves out, and then laugh and laugh.)

On the Great Adventure, Day 4

or,

How I learned to stop watching TV and love a dog.

Day Four of The Great Adventure, I gotta tell ya, started off a little rough. Having spent the night on a couch who’s cushions insisted on running away from me during the night, I woke grumpy and slightly hung-over. This was in now way due to the graciousness of my host, as Dexter was great about Kevin and I crashing at his place, but more to do with the joys of sleeping on a leather couch and the joys of imbibing many beers with old friends neither of which I would have traded for anything.

So, I made a conscious effort to shower and get the car loaded, taking my mind off my mind, or more specifically, my brain, and it’s unfortunate level of dehydration. A good scrub and a full bottle of water later, I was rarin’ to go.

And Go I did. And go, and go and go and go and go. 10 ½ hours across all of New Mexico and a good portion of Arizona, with only the briefest of stops for food and gas. I listened to a lot of music, and discovered the joy of iPhone television episodes whilst driving in the car. One can’t actually WATCH TV episodes while driving, but I can listen to episodes of Firefly that I have seen a half dozen times, and they keep me entertained. I couldn’t help thinking how something less visually stimulating might go for a trip like this. Perhaps epps of The West Wing would have been even better, all talk and very few special effects… something to consider.

I reached Flagstaff in the dark and cold, found an Arby’s, ate, and crashed. I awoke at 4:30 in the morning, realized that was the local time and that I had gotten two hours back (take THAT Daylight Savings Time!) and got back on the road by 5:45. Crazy, I know, but there was a little lady waitin’ on me in L.A., and I was wasting no more time. 7 1/2 hours later, these being the longest and dullest of the trip so far, I was cruising through traffic in the City of Angels, rockin’ out to The Thermals, and thinking, “Wow, I live in California now.” It was an odd sensation, but a thoroughly pleasurable one.

I called the lady on got directions to her friends place, and after a bit of a parking cluster F, I walked on over. It was here that I at long last got to meet Nina in the flesh, and had the honor of addressing the legendary Daisy J. Dog. In fact, I am pretty sure I leaned in to pet Daisy before bothering to say hello to or hug Nina, a sure sign that I am a sucker for a cute pup. She led me down the street, and there was Carla, at long last.

I can't begin to explain how happy I was in that moment (yet watch me go ahead and try). If you’ve ever been separated from the one you love for a long period, and then been reunited, you might understand a little of it. But it was so much more than that, this time. Seeing here was not merely the relief of missing her, my heart having once again grown proverbially fonder with her absence, it was a real sense of homecoming, regardless of the fact that we haven’t actually made it HOME yet. Home is indeed where one’s heart is, and she has mine tucked firmly away in her hip pocket, no question about it.

We spent a bit chatting with Nina and the aforementioned legendary pooch, on life and shared friends and puppy surgery and all manor of topics. After a bit we headed to the hotel to unpack, mercifully allow me to shower, and then headed back for an evening of beers and pizza. Here, I met Will, another great treat. He and his lovely bride are dear friends to Carla, and I have enjoyed knowing them virtually. I was deeply happy (and more than a little nervous) to finally develop that friendship in real life, and it turned out I needn’t have bothered with the nervousness, as they are delightful folks and so easy to spend time with. We had a great night, swapping old stories and laughing, and it felt more like coming back to see old friends than it did making new ones.

Carla and I eventually retired into the night, happy to be together in a way that was both excited and greatly content. This is where we are supposed to be, together, and though I might make you all sick of hearing it, I could not be happier.

On The Great Adventure, Day 2 and 3

or,

Life is Who you make of it.

So, Two days have past this far on The Great Adventure, and so far, I am still in Texas. I spent Tuesday with my father, who's health is still failing. Dad , of course, will never let you know this. He can barely walk, he's on oxygen 24 hours a day, and I am pretty sure he is in much more pain from the cancer than he is letting on. Still, when you ask him how he's feeling, he says, "I'm fine. I'm good." Of which, I believe not a word, but it wouldn't be Dad if he didn't say them. I love him very much, I often wish I were closer to him, and I worry about him. It was nice to spend a day catching up with him, and with my Grandmother, who came down from Missouri to see me off. I hadn't seen her in many years, due largely to the fact that I am a terrible grandson and a generally lazy, selfish, rotten SOB. However, this trip, and this new stage in my life, are the beginnings of my trying to change all that. Thankfully, Grandmothers are forgiving and loving unconditionally, and it was wonderful to see her. Also, they don't have a holiday like Mother's Day and Father's Day, and I really think that ought to change. Somebody oughtta right a letter or somethin'.

Wednesday morning I packed up the car and hit the road. There is something about the solitary Texas Road Trip that makes me sublimely happy. I cranked up bad country music I would never listen to otherwise, I drove with the sunroof open, I sang in my awful twangy accent, I hollered at cows as I passed. Really, I yelled at the cows. I t was friendly yelling, to be sure, but guess what. Cows DO NOT care what you are doing out on the highway. Cows have no imagination, no sense of hopefulness that comes from the road. Might be because they are fenced in, might just be because they are steaks waiting to happen.

I arrived in Lubbock, Texas in early afternoon. Lubbock was my place of hiding for the heroes training that must come, as the old stories tell it, and will always hold a warm place in my heart. I spent time with three of the best friends a guy could ever want, and saw many more. We talked about old times and new times, about football and baseball and baby boys, about parenting and life and, as always, good beer. We had a grand old time, though I kept the lid on reasonably well, and I will never forget it. And now I am packing up to hit the longest day on the road of the trip, 641 miles to Flagstaff, Arizona. I'm told there is little to see on the way, but if it;s out there, I'll find it. My fingers are itching to get behind the wheel and drive, one thing I truly love to do, and I have a good book at the ready as well, so I am looking forward to a long good day (it's an audiobook people, Don't Read and Drive.)

And the best thing about all of it is that I am that much closer to thee lovely blond ladies, the coast, and a new beginning. Time to hit the road ...

On the Times, and how they are a changin'

or

in some ways, stayin' the same.

So, as many of you know (both of you who still read this, thanks Mom and Carla), I have started The Great Adventure. I am, after 10 years in Paradise, moving from Austin to San Francisco to at last be with Carla and her girls, and I am happy beyond measure. The Great Adventure was preceded, as was necessary, by The Great Purge, which largely consisted of selling, donating, or flat out just giving away the vast majority of my crap. This was a hugely stressful process that involved at least one sleepless night and resulted in the endurance of a sinus headache and infection well beyond the natural half-life for that kind of thing. Plus, now I can carry my entire life in the trunk of my car.

Except of course, for everything that's already waiting for me in SF, most especially three beautiful little blond ladies who are hopefully eagerly awaiting my arrival.

I departed Austin on Sunday afternoon, rather uneventfully with little pomp and little circumstance, and I think that's best. My entrance to that beloved little blue oasis in the red state that has been my home for so long was marked with considerably more of both, and it was not pretty, let me tell you. 10 Years Ago, as we call it now, my Mother and I rolled into town after an eleven hour drive from Lubbock that nearly exhausted both of us right into the grave, and then proceeded, within mere moments of getting out of our respective conveyances, to start tearing each other a new one. So, I was pleased that I managed to make it out of Austin and into Dallas with relatively little difficulty, and arrived safe and sound on the first stop on The Great Adventure, Mom's House.

Mom's House has been, I am very very grateful to find, exactly the same. She made Pot Roast. We talked a LOT. She bought me a much needed new pair of blue jeans, and gave me a little cash even though I told her not to. She helped me put a few extra things in boxes and ship them off, she told me how happy she was for me. We watched a movie, we went to my Grandmother's place and cleaned up the yard a bit. We did, in short, the things we always do when I visit her. There were no grand pronouncements, there has been no sappy worrying (at least, no more so than usual), and this stop on The Great Adventure thus far is exactly the same as every other time I have been here, and while I am eagerly and enthusiastically undertaking this trip, and the great new life that awaits me at the end of it, I am incredibly grateful that this step remains familiar and unchanged. I am moving, and I am opening a great new chapter in my relationship with the love of my life, and I am hoping for sweeping change and grand rebuilding of many parts of that which make up Me, but I am really glad that this fundamental part, and by extension many, many others, remains unchanged.

On a Memorial, Long overdue...

Or, just a good chili recipe.

A long time ago, one of my very first bar regulars used to make me chili. It was de-frickin-licious, but he would never share the recipe with me. Wild Bill was a bit of a card, and what might be called a West Texas Renaissance Man. He played bass in the Lubbock Symphony Orchestra, and also worked selling tires and the sometimes at the drive thru beer lanes at Docs Liquor on the infamous Lubbock Strip. That was where we first met, and he was a great bar regular. He often came in for breakfast, hands a bit shaky, and he often had to be carried out the door. He never gave up his keys as he should have, he was sometimes overly forward with the waitresses, he had a wealth of dirty jokes and a neatly trimmed silver goatee. He also wore his silvery hair long and dashing, and dressed well when he could. He had a beer named after him at the bar where I served him, Wild Bill's Yellowhouse Wheat, and it was our best seller. He was a steadfast if not perfect friend, and he is missed.

Here, as I have very nearly perfected it, is a tasty treat. It is not actually Mr. William "Wild Bill Perkins' chili recipe (to my knowledge, it died with Bill more than 8 years ago), but one of my own concoction over years of effort. However, my recipe incldes, and at last makes public for (not even remotely) the first time, Mr. Perkins (may his soul rest in inebriated peace) long lost secret ingredient. Try it, and if you like, wonderful! If not, you may go to Hell. Say hi to Wild Bill when you get there.

Jefe's Memorial Yella Belly Chili

3 pounds ground beef
8 ounces of chopped peeled green chiles
4 ounces of chopped jalepenos
One 10 ounce can of Ro-Tel
24 ounces of tomato sauce
3/4 cup of chopped green bell pepper
3/4 cup chopped onion
1/4 cup chili powder
1 tablespoon Lowry's season salt
1 1/2 tablespoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons of dried whole oregano
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teapsoon salt
3/4 cup of water
1/2 a can (or bottle if you must) of Coors Original Banquet Beer. Swig some of the can after pouring, and pour a little out for ol' Wild Bill.

In a heavy pan, brown the ground beef the set aside and drain all the fat. In a large stew pot, add the rest of the ingredients, then stir in the ground beef. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to med-low and simmer for about an hour. Serve with Saltine crackers or over hot dogs with your choice of cheese fresh onion or jalepeno toppings. Also works well on hot dogs.

Special thanks also goes out to the folks at Eskimo Joe's in Stillwater, Oklahoma for insight and a good start on this, long ago.

On the More things Change, the More I stay the Same.

or,

How I learned to stop worrying and hit the penalty box all over again.

The last few months have been yet another time of conspicuous absence here at the 'Wrangler, and for that, Lonely Reader, I can only offer the same sad and ultimately worthless apology. As I have said before, I'm a poor wordsmith in the best of times, and a lazy one the rest of the times, and times, while they are a-changin', seem never to change me.

Today, I walked away from losing my temper, the first time in a while that I have been able to do that. My job tests my temper every day, and I fail regularly in my efforts to keep it under control while I am there (though the clients never see it, just my coworkers). My office nickname is LBH.

Little Ball of Hate.

Now, I'm a hockey fan and a (very brief) former player, so while I enjoyed the Pat Verbeek reference, it bothered me that the Texans in my office, almost to the man, don't get it. I'm not sure any of them have ever seen ice, and I was shocked someone knew that nickname. Meanwhile, frustrating customers make me slam my phone down, loudly. I often have to go out in the alley and kick the dumpster. Hard. And a LOT.

Tonight, during an event I "host" every week that I was going to skip this time around but was talked into doing last minute, a guy I like a lot snapped at me about ruining the fun for everyone. I get animated at the weekly BD Riley's pub quiz sometimes, and apparently it makes it no fun for everyone else. Or, at least, it makes it no fun for this guy. Why did he come to something he finds distasteful, when the last minute invitation only garnered 4 folks? Not sure. But I know that in the past some people have found me abrasive. My sense of sarcastic humor is not shared by everyone, I get it. That's why it's called a SENSE, and not THE EMPIRICAL FACT of humor. But it's not something some people, anyone really, ought to get angry over.

So, when he snapped at me, I nearly lost my temper. I realized in that moment that I have been losing it a lot lately, and that it has been making me very unhappy. Losing my temper is one of my two least favorite emotional states (jealousy being the other, I look terrible in green) and it makes me miserable in an oddly unique way. I need audible stimulation to clear it out of my head, most times. I need to break things, the hear smashes, to yell. I have lost and broken many things of value, a few of them friends, over the years to my temper.

Tonight, I was determined not to do so again. I choked down my response, quietly payed my tab, threw in the gift card that had the remains of previous Trivia Night's winnings to cover the rest of other folks tabs just in case, and left. I was shivering on the way back to my truck, and I'm not sure if it was the cold or the adrenaline pumping through my scathingly angry frame.

And then, I got home, vented for 6 seconds to 2 dear great friends, got invited back out for a cold one with my best friend, and it all just melted away. The guy i was angry at is a good guy, and I have no idea his motivations right now for popping off at me, so I am gonna let that shit go. Life is too short. And my friends, my really good ones, are there, and accepting of me. Even when I lead the league in penalty minutes.

On loving the words of others, at random.

or, as they say in AA, Fake it 'till you Make it.

I'm not writing much of my own stuff lately, but I feel the urge building. As usual, it makes me want to read more, like stretching before you exercise. And recently, in a space where I spout off my opinions, as do others, a friend put forth this interesting little game:

"Okay so I found this somewhere else and brought it here, sue me.*

Rules:
* Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
* Turn to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post that sentence here.

*don't really sue me."

It took me a bit, but I have loads of great sentences lying around the house, and so I got into it. Here are some faves:

"ANYONE would have been better than this noncer with his objective correlatives and his Earl Grey and his sorry ass bank balance, and on that bank balance - two words : Oh dear." Page 56, sentence 5, spoken by our narrator, Lucifer, on his unfortunate physical possesion of a young man named Declan Gunn.


Now I'm just grabbing books off the desk,

"Also present was a nurse with the head of a great brown rat." King is a wierdo.

"When he was little planes were so rare he and his brothers used to run outside on the lawn and point up when an airplane went by." This book is actually way sexier than that sentence, I took a shot.

"Even the Tooks (with few exceptions) thought Bilbo's behavior was absurd." Wonder where that came from? Geeks never stray far from their teachers.

"He gained strength through familiarity with the thought that the emergency exit stood always open, and became curious, too, to taste his suffering to the dregs." Man, what a great sentence. Hess was crazy as shit, but that guy could write.

"She valued the considerate neglect she had at some cost taught them after years" Frost is a depressing fuck.

"The gin and the vermouth were both dry in taste, and the orange bitters had been an ingredient in the Martini up until the 1950's." From "Classic Cocktails", by Salvatore Calabrese. Yes, I keep that by my bed.

"From the gate of the beloved ISHTAR, the sphere of LIBAT, I call to Thee!" From, really, The Necronomicon, allegedly written in the 8th century by an Arabian madman named Abdul Alhazred. It is said that to read too long from this cursed book of evil magic is to risk madness yourself. I have a $2.99 paperback copy, it's pretty fuckin' funny.

OK, time to come up with some doozies of my own...

On quite an ending

to quite a run.

Only Texas Tech could so drastically assert themselves, and then flush it all down the shitter so forcefully. The only way to absolutely, positively prove to the national media that we were fodder, that same media that was chomping at the bit to eat us for lunch, was to flub the Oklahoma game like pre-schoolers. So, that's exactly what we did. Instead of blowing a riduculous game, which we used to do as a matter of habit, we blew the biggest game we've ever been in, in a bigger way than any Tech team has ever done, setting a school record for points allowed (in a year when we were supposed to finally have a defense, Ruffin) and displaying to all the world that all the talk about us was just that. Talk. I have always loved the idea that being a sports fan is to understand loss, and as a Tech Alum, I have been washed in it for a decade now. But it's time to decide whether or not it's OK to be washed, or to try and rise above, and we didn't tonight. Best season ever or not, we had a chance to represent ourselves and our school tonight, and had we fought valiantly and lost, that would have held. But,we played "like Tech", like the perrenial also-ran that we he have always belived ourselves to be, and we folded, as we seem to always find a way to do, like lawn chair on the big boys lawn.

On getting the job done

Or, ¡Yo Voté!

The only I voted stickers that had at my polling place were in Spanish, but that's cool. I speak a very tiny little bit of Spanish. More importantly, I voted today, and so should you. No one should think their vote doesn't count, that simply isn't true. Your voice is important, all of our voices matter, and it is your obligation as a citizen of this country to speak up. This could not be any simpler. Vote today!

Also, if you don't vote, you can't gripe about politics for 4 years. So get out and get the job done, people!